Adventures In Potter-sitting
by WeirdnessTimesTwo
Summary: Dumbledore brings a baby to Hogwarts. Will Hermione and Snape bring the baby back to her parents or will Harry and Ron get in their way? Only time will tell. Rated T for language and sexual references.


ADVENTURES IN POTTER-SITTING

A/N: Greetings fanfic fans! Sorry we haven't updated in a while. One of us (Jessie) was busy contributing to the Muggle population, or maybe Jessie's daughter is a witch and we don't realize it yet. Anyway, this fanfic is inspired by the life and times of Baby Aurora Lynne...sort of. No muggles or potential witches or wizards were harmed in the making of this fanfic. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling and Potter Puppet Pals belong to Neil Cicierga.

DUMBLEDORE: You know what they say about taking candy from a baby?

SNAPE: Yes, sir.

DUMBLEDORE: Well, I took the baby from the candy!

SNAPE: Is candy a metaphor for parents, sir?

DUMBLEDORE: Oh no, it was easy getting it away from the candy, but it was really hard to get it away from the parents.

SNAPE: You can't just go around taking children, sir.

DUMBLEDORE: Speaking of which, can you take this child away from me? I'm tired of playing with it.

SNAPE: You need to return the child to his parents.

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, you sound just like my dad!

SNAPE: I don't know how to take that, sir, considering your dad has been dead for 6 hundred years.

DUMBLEDORE: Well I'm going to find somebody who will take this child.

SNAPE: But Sir-

DUMBLEDORE: Butts are for pooping, Severus.

SNAPE: Which I think the baby just did.

DUMBLEDORE: Could you change him? I don't feel like it.

SNAPE: Fine, but afterwards I'm taking the child to his parents.

DUMBLEDORE: On second thought, I'll give him to someone who won't ruin my fun. DUMBLEDORE Exits

Some Time Later, DUMBLEDORE enters to find HARRY and RON having a random argument, while HERMIONE looks on in frustration

HARRY: Firecrackers!

RON: Giraffes!

DUMBLEDORE: Hello, Potter Puppet gang!

RON: Hi, Dumbly!

DUMBLEDORE: Do you know what they say about taking candy from a baby?

RON: I've heard the saying but I'll have to call rubbish, because I never get the candy.

DUMBLEDORE: Well, I took the baby from the candy!

HERMIONE: But, Professor, you can't just go around kidnapping children!

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, you sound just like Severus!

HARRY: Yeah, it's never cool to agree with Snape! Besides, this child may have been a helpless orphan, who just witnessed his parent's murder. And now that he's here at Hogwarts, he'll be given a new lease on life as he grows up and develops his magical powers, while gaining the admiration of people who love him.

DUMBLEDORE: Oh no, his parents are still alive, and they're really pissed off, for some reason!

HERMIONE: Of course they're pissed off! You kidnapped their child! Where on Earth did you find this baby, anyway?!

DUMBLEDORE: In London, of course!

HERMIONE: You went all the way to London to kidnap a baby! You do realize that we live in Scotland?

DUMBLEDORE: But all of the best babies are in London!

HARRY: Yeah, who wants to be raised in London, when you could grow up with the most awesome wizard who ever lived?

RON: That's so kind of you, Harry.

HARRY: I was talking about me! You're just awesome by association!

RON: And I'm happy with that!

HERMIONE: Can we take this baby home now?

HARRY: Yeah, we'll take him to my home! Oh, look, we're already here!

HERMIONE: But Harry, I meant –

HARRY: Let's take him to the boy's dormitory, so Hermione can't interrupt our fun.

HERMIONE: I can get in you know, it's only the girls' dormitory that prohibits boys from entering. Besides, do you even know how to take care of a baby?

RON: Of course I know how to take care of a baby. I'll teach him my ADD's.

HERMIONE: By that do you mean you'll teach him his ABC's, or give him a bottle full of Ritalin?

RON: What are ABC's?

HARRY: My horrible aunt and uncle gave me a bottle of Ritalin all the time, and I turned out just – SQUIRREL!

RON: That's just Scabbers. I said "Abra Cadabra" earlier, and he grew a fluffy tail."

-Baby's diaper fills-

HARRY: Damn it, Ron, you're not supposed to say those unholy magic words!

HERMIONE: But that's something that all babies do. And at least tell me you know how to change a diaper!

RON: What's a diaper?

HARRY: Perhaps the baby will teach Ron more than Ron can teach him.

HERMIONE: Please let me take him! I'm seriously worried about this child's safety!

HARRY: But I take good care of Ron.

RON: Yeah, Harry's only made my mouth disappear nine times!

HARRY: Maybe if you didn't keep saying stupid stuff like "Giraffes are the lights in the sky that Americans light on the Fourth of July," that wouldn't happen so often!

HERMIONE: I don't think the authors of this story wanted the readers to know what your argument was about.

HARRY: They're the ones who made us say it!

HERMIONE: Fine, just don't let Ron teach him anything. Or better yet, please let me take him!

HARRY: But there's no logical reason you're more capable of muggle-sitting than us.

RON: I'm great at sitting, but it hurts my cheeks when I sit on Hermione's back massagers.

HERMIONE: What back massagers?

RON: Those ones that look like small poles.

HERMIONE: Has disturbing realization about her "back massagers" Oh, stay out of my room!

HARRY: This completely contradicts what was said earlier about boys not being allowed in the girls' dormitory.

RON: But I'm gay, so it doesn't matter!

HERMIONE: Besides, there's only three teachers in this school, and one of them's Hagrid.

RON: Anyway, I kind of like sitting on your back massagers. Why are they big and brown?

HARRY: I quit! I'm done with this conversation! I'm going to Hagrid's!

Harry leaves with Baby while Ron and Hermione continue their conversation

HERMIONE: Well, Ron, the big and brown back massagers are really good for- THEY'RE NOT BACK MASSAGERS!

RON: I don't want to talk about things I don't understand. Let's go bother Harry!

Harry is on his way to Hagrid's, while Ron and Hermione catch up to him and decide to bother him

RON AND HERMIONE: BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER BOTHER!

HARRY Irritated: That's reserved for Snape only!

Quickly pans to Snape, who is reading a book titled Love Thy Llama: The Weirdest Quizes Ever to Grace the Internet

SNAPE: Methinks there was a bothering that was misdistributed. And I've also discovered that the authors of these bizarre fanfictions are the same authors that wrote these strange quizzes!

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and the Baby are at Hagrid's doorstep

RON: Knock knock.

HARRY: You don't actually say "knock knock," unless you're telling a joke.

HAGRID: Who's there?

RON: It's uh-

HARRY: We're the cast of Three Men and A Baby, now let us in!

HERMIONE: But I'm a girl!

HARRY: You haven't proven it to us!

HERMIONE: Do you want me to show you guys?

HARRY: NO TIME!

-Hagrid opens door-

HAGRID: Where's Steve Guttenberg?

HARRY: Who cares? We're way more awesome than Steve Guten-something.

HAGRID: But you said you were the cast of Three Men and A Baby? I only see two men.

HERMIONE: Thank you!

HAGRID: And this little ginger girl.

RON: But I'm a boy!

HERMIONE: And I'm a girl!

HAGRID: Oh, it's you guys! Where'd you get a baby? Did Ron finally get knocked up?

HERMIONE: Don't they teach sex ed in this school?

RON: What's sex?

HARRY: It's what you've done with Hermione's back massagers.

HAGRID: Oh yeah, the dirty ones that look like little poles.

HERMIONE: Those aren't back massagers!

HARRY: I'm done! Don't get started on this conversation in front of the little one!

RON: That's left my attention span by now. Anyway, this baby smells bad. What do we do with it?

HAGRID: I read somewhere that you're supposed to change him.

HARRY: Ok, what do we change him into?

HERMIONE: facepalms He meant change his diaper. Do I have to do everything?

HARRY: No, Hagrid can do that part. Passes Baby to Hagrid Here you go.

HAGRID: I'll change him but I only got leaves for baby wipes.

RON: Can you also wipe Hermione's-

HARRY: NO!

HERMIONE: Wait a minute! Do you have any diapers?

HAGRID: I went to Fox Studios and I got Meg's hat.

HARRY: Eeeew, Meg. I guess it will have to do. Have fun, Hagrid.

HERMIONE: Do you think it was a good idea to leave the baby with Hagrid? He isn't exactly the sharpest horn on the unicorn.

HARRY: Of course it's a good idea, Hagrid's good with animals.

HERMIONE: But the baby isn't a- well, technically, humans are animals but still…

HAGRID: (while changing the diaper) There's something wrong with this baby, it doesn't have a tiddly wink.

HERMIONE: That just means the baby's a girl!

RON: Oh, so that's what girls have.

HARRY: I guess you are a girl, Hermione, it's why you need your "back massagers."

HERMIONE: Finally! Now, can you please let me take her?!

HARRY: No, girls are emotional and irrational creatures! The baby needs emotional stability, love, and affection!

HERMIONE: But I'm the most rational one in this story! You will give that baby to me!

HARRY: She's getting emotionally unstable. Shield your eyes, little one!

HERMIONE: I will turn you two into hippogriff food, now give me that baby!

SNAPE: (apparates) Threats will not be tolerated at this school, Miss Granger. You will come with me to the dungeon and serve detention.

HERMIONE: But-

SNAPE: Butts are for pooping, Miss Granger.

HARRY: Wow, Snape said something whimsical. Did we switch bodies again?

RON: I still have my tiddly wink, so I don't think so.

HERMIONE: Snape's probably just on funny candy! There's no way he'd let you babysit, otherwise!

SNAPE: Sadly, I have been unable to find the ingredients for funny candy. The Ministry of Magic has been stricter on drug regulations. I have to ask Santa for a new stash.

HERMIONE: Fine, I'll go to detention, but can you please take the child back to her parents?!

SNAPE: The headmaster has kept that information secret.

HERMIONE: Damn! Is there anyone else in this school that knows how to take care of a baby?

(Enter Cedric)

CEDRIC: I know how to take care of half-human, half-vampire hybrids.

HERMIONE: That's not what this baby is. And you can't even hold her, you're just a foot!

CEDRIC: But my toes are like a monkey's.

HARRY: No, she's our baby! I don't want her to develop some weird foot fetish!

CEDRIC: I'm a sad foot.

HARRY: You should be!

NEVILLE: pops out of a treasure chest full of "back massagers" What's wrong with foot fetishes?

(awkward silence)

HARRY: Actually, that's probably the most normal of your fetishes.

NEVILLE: So, what are you guys up to?

HARRY: None of your business!

RON: Come on, Harry, let him help.

HARRY: No, that's an even worse idea than letting Hermione help!

NEVILLE: But I could teach her my ADD's.

HARRY: No, I won't have you poisoning this innocent child with your perverted thoughts.

NEVILLE: But I don't even know how to make poison, and not all of my thoughts are perverted. Sometimes I think about innocent things like back massagers.

HARRY: Stop talking about back massagers! It's getting weird!

RON: And according to Hermione, back massagers are not innocent.

HARRY: Anyway, I'm good at babysitting Ron. I'll take care of the baby!

NEVILLE: But the Ronald is not a baby.

RON: I might as well be.

HARRY: Wait a minute, where is the baby?!

(Cut to dungeon)

HERMIONE: (To baby) You're safe now.

BABY: (gurgles and starts making noises)

SNAPE: Miss Granger, why did you re-kidnap the baby?

HERMIONE: She wasn't safe with Harry and Ron.

SNAPE: Well, that was obvious, but this is supposed to be detention. Besides, this room is full of gross things and my wizard juices.

HERMIONE: You take children to a room with your wizard juices?

SNAPE: Um…no.

HERMIONE: After detention, I'm taking her back to her parents.

SNAPE: I already told you, Professor Dumbledore doesn't know who her parents are.

HERMIONE: But Professor Dumbledore surely remembers the house.

SNAPE: It was dark and he was drunk.

HERMIONE: But Professor Dumbledore banned alcohol from Hogwarts.

SNAPE: Professor Dumbledore doesn't need alcohol to be drunk. It's just his personality.

BABY: (starts crying)

HERMIONE: Would there happen to be any food in the castle?

SNAPE: We have expired gorilla milk.

HERMIONE: But that's a cure for constipation, not food for a baby.

SNAPE: We're surrounded by jars of wizard juices?

HERMIONE: Do you want her to grow up to be a whore?!

SNAPE: No, I meant my other wizard juices. The ones I got from my ex-wife in the divorce.

HERMIONE: Is that why you're so unhappy?

SNAPE: Yes, she stole my happiness. Technically it was part of the splitting of assets.

HERMIONE: How do you take emotions during a divorce?

SNAPE: She was a dementor. End of story.

HERMIONE: You agreed to marry a dementor?

SNAPE: Her heart was almost as dark and lonely as mine.

HERMIONE: If Harry were here, he'd say something like "You married a dementor? How did you get laid?"

SNAPE: Very often and very well.

HERMIONE: OK, TMI. Anyway, how do they have wizard juices?

SNAPE: They bottle women's happiness in jars.

HERMIONE: But wouldn't that only be right for baby dementors?

SNAPE: Are we sure she's human?

HERMIONE: You know, I think the readers want to get back to Harry and Ron. They're probably having a much more interesting time, now that they've discovered the baby's missing.

SNAPE: But I was revealing aspects of my complicated past.

HERMIONE: Survey suggests that the readers don't care.

(Cut back to Harry and Ron)

HARRY: Where's the baby?! Did you take her, Ron?

RON: I think I would have remembered something like that.

HARRY: Hagrid, did you take her?

HAGRID: I barely got finished getting Meg's hat on her.

HARRY: Is that even absorbent?

HAGRID: Well, Stewie used one.

HARRY: OK, everybody split up!

RON: Survey shows that the fans like it more when we're together.

HARRY: If Hermione were here, she'd say "But we could cover more ground if we split up." Luckily for us and our loyal fans, Hermione's not here to ruin our fun. Let's start in the forbidden forest. Where's my invisibility cloak?

(Cut to Detention)

SNAPE: (To Hermione) So, how did you sneak the baby in here?

HERMIONE: I covered her in Harry's invisibility cloak, but then she cried and gave herself away.

(Cut to the Forbidden Forest)

HAGRID: Well, there's no babies here.

HARRY: Yeah, all we found was Ebony D'arkness Dementia Raven Way doing it against a tree with some goth kid that vaguely resembled Malfoy. And then she flipped me off and started talking about her nail polish, which oddly enough, was only on that one finger.

RON: She's an awful girl.

HARRY: Yeah, she's even more repulsive than Neville.

NEVILLE: Horray! Let's celebrate by playing 'walk in circles!'

HARRY: No one wants to play that awful game!

NEVILLE: But I like 'walk in circles.' I used to play it with-

HARRY: You're not trapping us with that awful story again! Let's look elsewhere for Harry Jr.

RON: But Harry, she's a girl. Let's call her Ronald Jr.

HARRY: No, she should be proud to have my name even if it doesn't fit her gender.

HAGRID: What about 'Kayla?'

HARRY: You're a couch. You have no input!

RON: Can we look in Dumbly's office for Harry Ronald Kayla Jr.?

HARRY: That's sort of a good idea. He is the one who took her, in the first place.

(In Dumbledore's Office)

DUMBLEDORE: Hello, children, did you like my present?

HARRY: Uhhh, yeah, we're just playing 'hide and seek.'

DUMBLEDORE: Oh goody! I knew I was right to leave the baby with semi-responsible children.

HARRY: (To Ron, Hagrid, and Neville) Potter Puppet-sitters, leave no stone unturned.

RON: I'll look in this chest that says 'Toys.'

(Ron looks in toy box)

RON: Dumbly, why do you have Hermione's back massagers?

DUMBLEDORE: Those are my back massagers, and they're not for my back!

HARRY: NOT THIS AGAIN!

DUMBLEDORE: Now, where'd that brunette boy go?

HARRY: Well, actually she is a girl. And she threatened to turn us into hippogriff food, so Snape gave her detention instead of subtracting some imaginary number of points from us, which I didn't know we were keeping track of.

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, we don't. That's just to make us teachers feel important.

HARRY: If Hermione were here, she'd say something like, "But teachers ARE important." What a nerd!

RON: And if Harry were here, he'd say something like "Giving Hermione detention was the only cool thing Snape has ever done!"

HARRY: That's right! I'd totally say that! High five!

RON: But our inferior puppet bodies don't have fingers.

HARRY: High-one then!

RON: *slaps hands with Harry* And now, a word from our sponsors.

HARRY: NO! You're supposed to say "Meanwhile in the dungeon…"

RON: When did we start saying that?

HARRY: Nevermind, let's just cut back to the dungeon.

CUT BACK TO THE DUNGEON, WHERE SNAPE IS FEEDING THE BABY WOMEN'S HAPPINESS

HERMIONE: Don't you find it odd that a human baby is feasting on women's happiness?

SNAPE: My mother fed that to me and I turned out just squirrel.

HERMIONE: Do you mean she used to feed you bottles full of Ritalin?

SNAPE: No, happiness, that's why I'm so depressed.

HERMIONE: But why did you say you turned out just- nevermind. I don't want the baby to become a depressed professor that nobody likes.

SNAPE: It's not a fulfilling life. I suppose we could feed her this baby food.

HERMIONE: Where did you get baby food?

SNAPE: I always keep it around, I love the blueberry buckle.

HERMIONE: Starts feeding the baby the blueberry buckle but the baby refuses to eat it I think she likes the happiness better than the baby food. What does that say about her?

SNAPE: She's just like my horrible ex-wife. She even has her horrible birth mark.

HERMIONE: Wait a minute, can humans and dementors have babies?

CUT TO THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS WHERE HARRY AND RON ARE SEARCHING FOR THE BABY

RON: Umm, Mr. Basilisk, did you eat any babies recently?

HARRY: Ron, it's dead! Don't you see all the blood?!

RON: I thought it was Kool-Aid.

HARRY: Let's go see if Dumbledore's phoenix has escaped again.

RON: What does the Fawkes say?

FAWKES: flies in Ring ding ding ding dingeringeding! (to the tune of "What Does The Fox Say")

HARRY: That was random.

RON: Do you think the baby could have gotten inside these statues?

HARRY: Ron, these statues have been here for years.

NEVILLE: I think I smell Meg's hat.

RON: You can smell hats?

NEVILLE: It's one of my fetishes.

HARRY: Of course it is. Lead us to the smell, strange child!

NEVILLE: Only if you put me on a leash and use me like a bloodhound!

HARRY: Hooray! A chance to humiliate you!

NEVILLE: turned on Yes, Harry, humiliate me. I've been a bad little Neville.

HARRY: I won't humiliate you if it brings you pleasure.

RON: We have no choice! We have to find baby Harry Ronald Kayla Jr.

HARRY: Fine, but that's a really long name. I'm just gonna call her HJ.

RON: giggles

HARRY: Oh, God dammit! Alright, Neville, get on your leash!

NEVILE: Only if you gag me.

HARRY: NO!

NEVILLE: Ok…

CUT BACK TO THE DUNGEON

HERMIONE: WTF! Her skin's falling off! This child's seriously ill!

SNAPE: At least she has a handsome unibrow. Baby has a unibrow similar to Snape's)

HERMIONE: Are you sure that humans and dementors can't have babies?

SNAPE: I'm positive, because dementors don't have chromosomes.

HERMIONE: But couldn't you use magic or something to impregnate her?

SNAPE: There was that one crazy night right before the divorce, that made her realize that we weren't compatible. She said my wizard straw wasn't long enough.

HERMIONE: Gross. Well if this child is purely human, we need to get her to a doctor.

SNAPE: Alright, just let me feed her some more happiness.

Baby starts levitating and growing a black cloak where her skin fell off

SNAPE: She's levitating with joy and reclothing herself.

HERMIONE: What did Harry and Ron do to this child?

SNAPE: Maybe, Ronald uttered those horrible magic words.

NEVILLE: (OUTSIDE) Bark, bark, bark.

RON: You're supposed to say "knock knock."

HARRY: We have no time for your stupidity, Ron. We've found Harry Jr.

HARRY, RON, AND NEVILLE head inside the dungeon

HERMIONE: Actually, I think it's Snape Jr.

(Baby is now split down the middle, appearing half human and half baby Snape.)

HARRY: Ugh, what did he do, fuck a dementor?

SNAPE: Multiple times, but it was magic that impregnated my horrible ex-wife.

HARRY: You agreed to marry a dementor?

HERMIONE: Don't get him started on this, it's really boring.

SNAPE: It's mother is a guard at Azkaban, how did it get to London?

RON: Maybe she was on vacation.

SNAPE: Maybe she feasted on all of the Scottish men's happiness, so she went to London to feast on all of the English men's happiness.

HARRY: That's not very nice. My happiness was never feasted upon.

SNAPE: Of course it wasn't you're a boy. Even my horrible ex-wife had standards. She only wanted the happiness of men who could pay alimony.

RON: Why would demen-dementada-dementia-

HARRY: Don't hurt yourself, Ron.

RON: Why would those things need money?

SNAPE: To go on vacation.

HARRY: OK, so now that this innocent child has mutated into some weird dementor-human hybrid, let's see what it is!

HERMIONE: But you just said-

HARRY: No time! (brings out pokedex)

POKEDEX: Half dementor-half human hybrid. Created by the unholy union of Professor Snape and a female dementor.

RON: I didn't even know dementors had genders.

HARRY: You don't know a lot of things and dammit, Snape, look what you've done! This child will have a horrible unibrow for the rest of its life.

BABY: 5 points from Gwyffindor.

SNAPE: It is mine! And she's said her first words!

HERMIONE: Well, technically, we haven't lost five points because she took 5 points from Gwyffindor, not Gryffindor.

SNAPE: Well, I'm taking five points from Gryffindor!

HARRY: Dammit, Hermione, you just had to open your mouth, your fat whore mouth!

SNAPE: Don't swear in front of Lilly Snape Jr.

HARRY: Ugh, that's an awful name.

RON: Harry, what are the 7 words you can't say on television?

HARRY: I'm glad you asked. Those words are shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.

SNAPE: RIP George Carlin. He was almost as bitter as me.

LILLY SNAPE JR: Shit.

SNAPE: See what you've done! 500,000,000 point from Gryffindor.

HERMIONE: Professor, once we get past negative 100 trillion, you can no longer subtract points. Technically, only 2 of those points were taken away from us.

DUMBLEDORE: (apparates) Congratulations, Gryffindors! You have the lowest accumulative points in Hogwarts history! (throws confetti) Horray!

HERMIONE: How did we go from wining the house cup 2 years in a row to this?

HARRY: I hit puberty and became more badass than ever.

LILLY SNAPE JR: Kill it with fi-uwh.

SNAPE: Would if I could, Lilly, would if I could. But we need Mr. Potter to kill Voldemort, for some reason.

VOLDEMORT: (apparates) Did I hear my name? (Looks at Lilly Snape Jr.) What the hell is that thing?! I'm killing it first!

SNAPE: Like hell you will! Avada Kedavra!

VOLDEMORT: (Dying) You're the worst death eater ever!

SNAPE: Oh, come off it! You can't really die. You'll just go away for a little while and be in perfect health for the next episode.

VOLDEMORT: Oh, right, bye world. (dies)

HERMIONE: What did he mean by that "worst death eater ever" comment?

SNAPE: Oh, he was just delirious from the umm spell or something.

LILLY SNAPE JR: Daddy a sewvent to the wahd of dawkness!

SNAPE: That's enough, little one, just go to sleep or something.

DUMBLEDORE: Could I join in your flapdoodle?

RON: I only want him to see my flapdoodle.

HARRY: Well, we've returned this innocent child to it's horrible father.

SNAPE: Don't you mean wonderful professor?

HARRY: Not even Hermione thinks that of you.

HERMIONE: It's true, on your evaluation forms, I rated you as "Average."

RON: And on , I put you as "sexy."

SNAPE: Ew. Anyway, at least you haven't corrupted my pride and joy too much. Let's just hope that her horrible mother doesn't sue us.

SNAPE'S DEMENTOR EX-WIFE: (appears and crushes Voldemort's skull against the wall)

VOLDEMORT'S SKULL FALLS AND LEAVES A TRAIL OF BLOOD THAT SAYS "I'M SUING YOUR ASSES FOR CHILD ENDANGERMENT

SNAPE: Damn it, back to court with the queen of whores.

NEVILLE: To Snape's ex-wife So, do you want to gag me and put me on a leash?

DEMENTOR: Backs away slowly and leaves.

NEVILLE: Not even dementors want to bang me.

Awkward silence

SNAPE: I can't believe I'm saying this but, 50 points to Gryffindor, because Neville's grossness scared my skank-tastic ex-wife away before she could take our precious child.

HERMIONE: Are you grateful enough to put our points back up to zero?

SNAPE: No, I'll never be that grateful.

HARRY: Well, it was worth a shot, you smart bitch.

HERMIONE: Well, you're a bastard.

HARRY: There, there's your running gag.

DUMBLEDORE: Well, we've all learned a valuable lesson, today. You can reunite a family through the magic of kidnapping dementor children from wizard kidnappers.

THE END

-AFTER CREDITS SCENE-

HARRY: I bet you all are wondering where our famous bomb jokes are.

HERMIONE: Harry, nobody's wondering that. I bet they really want to know what happened to Lilly Snape Jr. as she grew up.

HARRY: It's still a horrible name! Anyway, it turns out that human-dementor hybrids don't work very well.

HERMIONE: She was so depressing to be around.

HARRY: She was even worse than Snape! Even he got sick of her melancholy!

SNAPE: So, I shipped her off to a magical school where she can be with her own kind. A magical world called "My Immortal."

HARRY: And she's been taken under the wing of Ebony D'arkness Dementia Raven Way.

SNAPE: WHAT?! I'll save you Lilly! (apparates to "My Immortal" universe)

SNAPE: (Sees that Ebony has been stabbed repeatedly) What did you do?

LILLY: You would have done it too.

SNAPE: Is that the one they call Ebony D'arkness Dementia Raven Way?

LILLY: At first I tried to feed on her happiness, but she had none, so I stabbed that horrible girl multiple times.

SNAPE: That's my girl.


End file.
